Progress

On Monday I came home and surprised my mom, it was quite hilarious because she didn't even recognize me. I love being home, it makes my life so much more relaxed and easy going. I also have been christmas shopping, so I guess the retail therapy is also helping my attitude. Right now I think I've bought all the gifts I will for my mom, and I cannot wait till next week for her to open them. Not to mention that I cannot wait to open my gifts, but we still have seven days so let's keep counting them away.

Wonderful

I'm glad that I signed up for a sisterhood, that only decides to be a sisterhood when it's comfortable for them. Me on the other hand I sit in my room and cry because I have no friends at college. This is great I hate my life, and I'm failing my classes. Why does God give birth to people like me.

I need a change

Coming to college was a super culture shock. I realized how different it was to my life back home, so maybe it's time for me to be different. I feel as if I need to do everything I want to. I've started playing my guitar more and doing more things with my passions. I want to find a dance studio and start taking real classes not like the ones at the gym. I also would like to change my body and possibly get to 135, what a task. I just want to be more proud of my decisions and who I am. I think I might finally have the drive and ability to succeed. I also want to take more acting classes and try to perform more.

I have neglected you.

I think the reason I leave or neglect things is because I don't want to become attached. Sometimes you have to let yourself experience time without something to realize how much it belongs in your life, like Miami. Not being in Miami for the past couple of months has literally sucked the life out of me. I just have become jaded, my surroundings are jaded. Orlando is not Nowhere, South Dakota but it's also not Miami. Miami was the life that flowed through me, and every time I go back it's as if the neon signs jump start me back to life.

There is no place like home. Four more days.

Ideas? Input?

My next tattoo will be a robot.

I don't know which one yet, but I really like square robots with nuts and bolts. I want a square robot with a red heart maybe on my back or near my groin.

I hate you

I guess you really don't have to be eighteen

Existentialism

Lately in English we have been reading works of existentialists and I cannot necessarily say I agree fully with their ideals but i can understand their principles. I have taken on a lot of thinking in the past couple of days, and I want to venture more into the world. I want to spend some time in France just learning about life and the elements that guide it. I am more and more compelled to find my true calling in life. I feel this greatness inside of my blossoming with every breath I take and every realization I make. 

It's time to achieve greatness.

Hmm

I feel like I'm getting my life on track, I don't have any grudges or bridges to burn. I am just living every moment of life, doing what I want and not looking back.

I think I'm figuring this out.

My heart and soul

It's never easy

Loosing someone is never something you wish for 

It's a horrible and gut wrenching experience

it feels like your body is a water balloon

and more and more tears just pour out of you

You drown in these tears 

as you gasp for air

and then you feel it

that they're no longer there

you feel all alone

all you can do is cry and sleep

your body starts to shrivel

as you cry and you weep

You feel like no one knows your pain 

and no one ever will

like no one will ever understand 

what that life meant to you

but don't forget it doesn't matter if I don't know what you're going through, i will be there with you

I will be there no matter what

no matter how many leagues under the sea

no matter how long we go without talking

no matter what we say to each other

I

am

always

and 

forever

your 

friend

It's not going to be easy, but I'll never back down

Confidence

Sometimes I feel like I only post my feelings on here when I'm upset. I keep telling myself I am the only person holding me back, but why do I keep doing this crap. I keep going back to the quick fix probably because I'm so afraid of rejection. Every guy is usually more then willing to just hook up with you no strings attached, but there's only that special guy that will watch It Takes Two with you a million times, or bring you soup to your class because you told him you weren't feeling good. I know college is only a few months away, but it's killing me. I know a guy that fits all of these, but is he into me, or is he just a sweet guy to everyone. I keep fining myself in these situations, where the guy I fall for is either, just a really nice guy or he's gay and hasn't come out yet. I dunno, maybe I should stop the whole hook up thing it's starting to give me cravings for a deeper relationship, I would love to just lay down at fairchild and have a picnic and talk about how much I love this moment.

love song for no one

i sit here listening to sounds

writing them down

making sure that i get the beat, the ounce of the weight of the sound when it sinks in my heart for life and I make sure

it is time to get up get going move forward

i repeat all the sounds until they get really boring

so I can have them carved right into my heart for life and I make sure

that your "i love you" is on the first line

the middle

and the last

that you voice is 80% and it's on full blast

that you cover every inch my heart with  love right now and when im unsure i

repeat every sound that i left on my heart

i try to repeat them till they fall apart

and i'll never stop till your hear repeating them all right now and that is why i 

need you

scream my lungs out

i don't fucking understand what the hellamidoingwrong I feel like my heart is sinking sometimes and I don't know what to do. My heart hurts so much sometimes, I dunno how it got like this when did I become the bad guy, when was I classified as the girl who's going to spend her entire high school existence in the corner by herself in and constantly be in and out of failure relationships. I just want my time to be someone's number one, not just a a boy well I would love love love a boy, but a friend, I don't have someone who thinks that I'm their number one, I just want to be someone's number one, I just want to be someone's number one, I just want to be someone's number one, I just want to be someone's number one.

the president of the united states of america

you dont need to change the future's with us

I have always been a strong believer that people are put in your life for a reason, to tempt your anger, lust, beliefs to help you express the most passion, love, and feelings you can to show you what you've been living isn't what you should be living. some people are just here to show you that no mattter what happens you depend on yourself and the foundation that you have always known what is right and that you reveal the steps to living that life over time.  I also have used movies as therapy for a long time and its beautiful to see what they can do to ones soul, sometimes i watch a movie and i can feel myself truly living, it's like im recording every bit of the movie in my head as i watch it, like it becomes a part of me. thats basically all i wanted to say, and sorry for all the grammatical errors, im not to good with english

shake rattle and roll

my insides are burning

and my heart is pounding

the fire of the touch 

the heat that surronds me

I can't stop the passion

i can't control to lust

the pain is agonizing 

but I yearn for the thrust

my legs are shaking

my i can't stop but stare

how did an unexpected night 

become a earth rattling dare

i have loved and i have lost

I give and i take

but my world was just rocked

far more then it could shake

Live

you don't have to be beautiful

breathe

one two three

please please please please

it's a bittersweet symphony

and this feeling wont go away

if i could jude